As we near Yule, and the turning of the season from old to new, dark to light, and cycle into a new year full of possibility and opportunity, I want to reflect on this past year. It has been full of so much heartache and fear, worry and guilt, and stress that never seems to go away. But it has also been full of magic. I have searched for and am starting to find my Mother, my Goddess, the other half of my Creator. I have formed new friendships and forged strong bonds with those who think and feel so much like I do. I've made local connections with wonderful people in this desert land that I never thought I could love. I have embraced my own power, and I have largely cast off the fear of my blended path. I am making it work, and I am feeling guidance in unexpected places that lead me nearer to Christ. An empty spot in me has started to fill with warm and wonderful things.
My new perspectives on the gospel have led me through some doubt-ridden and twisty paths, but I am finally starting to heal my testimony, to grow a fantastic new one that has room for all the joy and none of the guilt. I am eager to serve my brothers and sisters, and I am finding the patience to deal with flaws I find in the structure of the church. My perspective on repentance has changed from one of fear of disappointing my Parents to one of pragmatic progression. I know my Parents love me and accept me the way I am, and they already know my every weakness. If I walk too close to the edge and fall, They will catch me and guide me to a better way as They look on in love and encouragement. My search for passion and authenticity is no longer a forbidden road that causes anxiety.
I am using my magic without shame, and finding scientific explanations and wild speculation in the realm of quantum physics to see the magic and possibility in everything. There is so much for which we can hope and dream. The beautiful women in my area that I have started to consider family have held my hands as I have ventured from my safe and warm cocoon of checklists and fear-inspired close-mindedness. I have moved from a place where I cried in desperation to feel any kind of real spiritual connection, to a place where I have found that connection in fire and water and wind, in the voices of the trees around me, in the touch of the gentle hands of an energy worker who has nothing but love in her heart.
The Sunday school lesson on the pure love of Christ sinks into my newly opened and joyful heart, and I run to share it with my dear friends who were not there to hear the wonderful news of an empathetic and loving Savior who wants to carry us and heal us so we in turn can heal those around us as we become sources of His light in this world.
Many of the hardships of this year will not be going away any time soon, and there are more to come. As the moon wanes into the end of the year, I will be purifying my heart, and inviting Christ to reside there more permanently as I symbolically cleanse the anger and resentment from the past year from my soul. The new moon on Christmas Eve will be a time of new beginning, of self-love, of power, and courage.
Blessed be, and Happy Yule!