New Moon Fast

Like Jenni, I haven't fasted in quite some time.  It stopped being necessary to skip it a long time ago, but I got lazy.  The truth is, I hate fasting.  I hate thinking about food all day and wishing I could drink water so bad that I can't focus on anything else.   I never got any spiritual nourishment out of it.  I did it out of sense of obligation and guilt, and tried to pray extra hard for something while I was starving.
This time is a little different.  I couldn't really decide on something to focus on--though spiritual clarity is something I really need right now, and my husband could really use a decent job--so it's more of a "can I do this?" experiment.

Adding the lunar phase into the equation gave it more ritual for me, and made it more... doable?  I do better with things when there's structure and beauty added, even if neither is necessary for an action to have results.  Prayer doesn't need to be formal, but I can focus better if I'm lighting a candle and consciously thinking of the Deity I pray to after ritually purifying the area with salt or water or anything, really.  It doesn't make a difference in what God/dess hears, but I am focused and intent.  I am praying with purer intent than if I just get to my knees at the side of the bed and ask for stuff while hoping I don't fall asleep.  Or even falling to my knees and weeping because something is horribly wrong.  That is not praying with intent, it's crying out with barely any faith that I'm even being heard.  (at least for me--please don't take this as judgement on the way ANYONE else prays because I know it's different for everyone)

I have found that the ritual found in pagan traditions helps me to focus and ground myself before worshiping and praying and just living my life as a 'good Mormon'.  Some people may be uncomfortable with me calling a circle or purifying my house ritually with salt or seawater because it's not a necessary thing.  But it's necessary for me in order to calm my mind and spirit to the point where I can be receptive to inspiration and guidance from above.  I am still figuring out how to go about it, and how far to go with certain things, but I am feeling definitely guided to this path.  I feel joy in my heart when I contemplate adding ritual to my life, and I feel a deeper peace when reading on how to find what I truly believe in my heart.  I've spent so many years on borrowed light, that even some time in the darkness is a good thing because I will be able to light my own path soon.

So I've made it 22 hours with no food so far, though water was compromised on because I'm pretty sure I actually can't function without it.  At least not mentally, which is sorta necessary when I'm supposed to be focusing on something.  My focus has been on my behavior and mental and spiritual awareness as I do this.  This morning I could have been much more impatient with Sprout, but even though I was tired and hungry I was able to treat him with more respect and gentleness.  I was expecting more of an internal fight because I usually swing toward the hypoglycemic side of things, but it took very little effort.  And that made this whole thing worth it, no matter what else I may get out of it.